Um, oh wow. I am kind of giddy.

I am so tired and I shouldn't be, because I haven't done anything, really.

This low-level depression is stupid and frustrating; feeling blank, empty, whatever, with flashes of depression/anger/frustration, is not conducive to wanting to live. Not that I want to die, just that going through the motions was never -- is not? -- the way I want to live my life, and I can't help it, I can't, I'm stuck.

I can't write. It scares me. I don't have anything I want to write, can't find a story I'm passionate about, feel like all my stories are told or aren't worth telling. I want to write something I feel, but how do I do that when I don't feel?

Three weeks left, and then I can just... pass out for awhile. I would like that. It would be nice.

So obviously I am really bad at updating this thing. Mostly it is because I don't want endless iterations of "School was boring, I'm fine, etc., etc.", but also I've just fallen out of the habit of blogging.

I am -- not okay right now. I'm hoping it's a hormonal thing, because my period is not kind to me. We'll see.

Gonna try & shut off the internet for a few days & just........ think & re-evaluate. I'm reaching the end of my grace period; at most I have about a year left of my undergrad, and then it's the big bad world. And god, I'm scared, and it's so easy to just turtle up, but --

What happened to that ambitious kid I was, anyway?

On five hours of sleep. Was up until 4 this morning doing a midterm paper, and still have a screenplay due tomorrow that I haven't started yet.

It's that time of year again.........

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

I am thankful for:
- good friends
- fencing
- my parents
- my creative writing peers
- Neil Gaiman
- chocolate
- good books
- Lush

My GOD my mother is infuriating.

I've got to hand it to her, though: it takes some serious skill to twist reality that much when one doesn't like what one hears.

ARGH.

Need moar sleep. I am all grumpy.

Slept 13 hours today and have a massive headache. Pretty sure I'm sick, and I even know where I got it! This is what offering ice cream cake at the end of a semester for perfect attendance gets you: a class full of sick students who drag themselves to class. Blah. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow, but if not, I will stay home and at least give myself a 5-day weekend (I get Thursdays off anyway).

Days like these, I am really, really thankful for my tea drawer.

Did go to class. Did bring up the issue. Didn't have enough time to explain in the sort of detail I wanted to, but it's a start.

Was told The Jerk is not coming back to fencing this year, probably, because he has work. Huzzah! If he did come back, I wish I could say I could be calm and simply ignore him, but my body reacts to stimulus in very strange ways and panic attacks in public are not pretty.

My throat hurts -- went to a Canucks/Sharks game and was cheering for the Sharks. People around me were not pleased. Sharks lost. :( Sadness & woe, but at least the Flames won tonight. And it was a fun game, a good game, especially after period 1 (in which much sluggishness was observed).

Must sleep. Words not really making sense anymore.

*Falls over*

Okay, so today was worth waking up for. Children's Lit class should be fun, it is specifically about British children's fantasy which is... sort of weirdly specific? Oh Canada & its weird identity issues. But the novels should be enjoyable, though I am still baffled by the lack of Diana Wynne Jones on a British children's fantasy lit course because um, she is awesome and deserves to be read by everyone ever. Ursula K. Le Guin (who is American) & no Diana Wynne Jones! Two C. S. Lewis books. Ah, well.

Creative Writing was absolutely the highlight of my day. I was eating a very late lunch in the CRWR student lounge & someone came in & we got to talking. Turned out he was in my class & I have made friends already. The prof is very funny and energetic, and very straight up, very clear about the realities of writing and sounds like he will try his damndest for us, which is nice. My classmates are funny and smart and interesting and friendly and I think I will love this. And the prof doesn't mind genre fiction, which is nice, since I know some of the profs do.

My brain & my eyes hurt, though, so I think I'll turn in early today. Hopefully I'll get used to a more normal sleep pattern soon.

I first started reading sarahtales after kiana told me about her, and she recently got her book published: The Demon's Lexicon.

She now has a thing going where, every week, she posts a short story if sales for her book reaches a certain number. Here is this week's, my absolute favourite thus far. Charming young lads and female bonds and friendships and oh, it is so lovely.

Go read! :D